Cryptumite
by Connor Asfadjnis
Summary: A young Forerunner journeys to Erde-Tyrene and has the absolute worst day ever.
1. Chapter 1

The peaceful one is at war without and within.

Especially IN BED! ARRROW!

**-The Didact, while wasted at a party**

_**T**__**he Forerunner story**__ - the history of my people - has been told and retold throughout the ages since our disappearance, with greater and greater idealization, such that I scarcely recognize it anymore. Oh, and while I'm speaking, let me just go on record to say that the Master Builder is LYING when he tells you about that one night on Charum Hakkor. I'm not gonna say any more, just know that he's a LIAR. I wasn't even that drunk!_

_But seriously. Back on track. It is true that we were once a great and mighty people, our ecumene (OH SCREW YOU AUTO-CORRECT THAT IS A WORD) once spanned three million fertile worlds, our knowledge and power were unrivalled by any other races of the time. Other than the Precursors, who some say fashioned us in their image and rewarded that image with their breath. We still celebrate Precusor-mas, where we all dress in fancy costumes and sing Jingle Bells with a folky country twist. _

_My fate, the fate of a foolish Forerunner, was tied inextricably with that of two young humans and the world-line of a great Forerunner leader, the Didact. That night, I put in motion the events that would trigger the final wave of the hideous Flood._

_That was the night I lost my virginity. _

_HAH! Just kidding. No, but seriously, that was one ugly night. _

We extinguished the fires we had lit the previous night and pushed our boat back out onto the water. A series of almost pitiful clicks and moans issued forth from the little steam powered vessel, but the captain gave it a swift kick and we were back on track.

Twenty kilometers away lay the central peak of Djamonkin Crater, pushing through the clouds like a pen- I mean, a big mountain. The rising sun illuminated it in brilliant golden light, and the low lying clouds gave it an even greater aura of beauty. I wanted to take a picture, but I heard that freaks the local (and quite dangerous) wildlife out.

Below us lay the water, shifting and whirling like no tide could ever move water. Pale merse twisted and made inappropriate shapes below us with their bodies. The trick was to ignore them when they did that, but I noticed the captain kept sneaking peeks.

The captain sang low but loud to calm the merse as we passed them. The merse always required a song to be sung when crossing their lake, but they changed it every year to keep up with popular culture. "I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed; it dropped on the floor, and rolled out the door…" the captain sang.

The water bubbled, signaling the merse's displeasure. My eyes darted around anxiously, and I turned to the human I knew as Chakas.

"You assured me he was the best," I hissed. Chakas turned to regard me with small, dark eyes.

"He is," he said. "The McDonald's we hired him at told us that he was the best with boats."

"You hired him at a McDonald's?" I asked incredulously. "Why?"

We both turned to the captain. His singing voice was beginning to falter, and he started turning the boat around. Unfortunately, since he was busy staring at the merse, the boat started to turn about in circles like a retarded whale, and the merse continued to stare.

At about this time, a diminutive human known as Riser (I referred to him privately as Bilbo Baggins, though) scurried down from the stern. "This man is idiot," he told us quietly as if he were divulging a great secret. "Make retarded, he is. Kill us all retardedness of his he will!"

Riser's English wasn't all that good to begin with, but under stress it was even worse. I could make out his general meaning, though.

"Merse are agitated. You must strip," he said, pointing at me.

"What?" I asked a little too loudly. Chakas nodded. "He's right. The energy your armor is giving off is probably increasing the strain on the merse."

I privately wondered when Chakas had become an electrical engineer, but I nodded slowly and began to take off the armor. I cursed myself for not bringing spare clothing, but it was too late now. Maybe I could steal Chakas'.

As soon as the armor came off I realized how freaking cold it was. I shuddered as a gust of wind cut through me like a butter knife. My armor shut itself down as soon as I took it off.

I wondered what my ancilla would do after I had taken the armor off. She had been my guide for the three years since my father had traded me to a family of Miners on Edom. He told me it was an "exchange trip", but a little while later he accidentally sent me via email an invitation to his "Bornstellar is Gone Party."

Chakas and Riser both scurried up towards the captain, who was beginning to sweat after a merse licked his lips and winked at him seductively. They conversed with him in hushed tones. I strained to hear them, but I only picked up a few words.

"Merse… song sucks… must have changed it…" The captain looked nervous, and he kept glancing at the water. The merse continued to make inappropriate shapes.

Chakas and Riser rejoined me. "We're going to try singing some of the newer songs. The merse probably changed the song to one of those," Chakas told me. Riser nodded empathetically and mouthed _Gangnam Style_ to me. I had no idea what that was, but I nodded back and tried to pretend I did.

The captain began to row towards the mountain again, and started singing Gangnam Style. The words made absolutely no sense to me, but I picked up "sexy lady" and a few others to.

Chakas and Riser joined in, and Chakas gestured for me to do the same. I started babbling gibberish to keep up, but I sang along when I could.

"Ty-jin kiun-fijiwosha, dhujncnjnr purple pancakes jfdjnind-uturrifmc hate this AYYYYE SEXY LADY- WOP-WOP-WOPPA GANGNAM STYLE!"

You get the drift.

We finally reached the other side of the lake. One of the merse flipped us off and they all swam away. Fortunately, they must have liked the song, because our boat was still intact.

I collapsed on the beach and breathed a sigh of relief. No longer would I have to sing that song and suffer the awkwardness of trying to be culturally relevant. That never worked out for me. I still watch _The Sopranos, _after all.

The boat left.

"Hey, what the hell?" I asked, scrambling to my feet and waving at the boat. "HEEEYYYYY! YOU LEFT US BEHIND, DUMBASSES!"

Chakas came to my side just as the captain flipped us off from across the water. Just then, a giant merse with tattoos of human reproductive organs all over its body emerged from the water and swallowed the boat whole.

"They didn't sing the song," Chakas murmured, tutting. I turned to him.

"How do we get back?" I asked him. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"You're looking for some magic alien thing, right? The Orgasm?"

"_Organon,_" I corrected hastily as Bilbo Baggins raised his head from across the beach.

"Whatever. Make it take us home, then."

I suspected that he was mocking me, but I didn't pursue the matter. I didn't like the thought of relying on the Organon to take us home, though, especially since I wasn't at all sure whether or not I'd even find it here.

"Hey, you guys want a beer?" Chakas asked suddenly, turning around to head to the cooler.

"I'm twelve, jackass," I told him imperiously as I followed him to the cooler.

Chakas turned to me and assumed a pained expression. "Oh, sorry, did you want milk from the bottle, instead? Maybe I can burp you while you drink it? Maybe I can tell you a story?"

Riser snorted with laughter as Chakas went on. "Once upon a time, there was a Forerunner who was too much of a pussy to drink beer. He was a loser. The End."

Chakas wasn't much of a storyteller.

I rolled my eyes and turned away. Now that the initial feeling of panic at being abandoned here had faded, I felt the familiar twinge of excitement at the thought of adventure. Maybe I w_ould _find the Orgasm (Goddamnit I can't stop thinking of it as that now) and I would be hailed as a hero.

I felt a thud on the back of my head. I turned to see Chakas and Riser trying to suppress laughter as I bent down to pick up the can that they had thrown my way.

It was a can of beer, but the words _Mommy's Milk; Straight from the Breast!_ was taped over it.

"Oh screw you guys," I said and threw the can back at them. This time, they couldn't contain their laughter anymore and doubled over, cackling like idiots.

Then again, maybe this would turn out to be the biggest clusterfuck ever achieved by the Forerunner race. One could never tell with these things.

**(Rather late) Disclaimer: I do not own Cryptum, Halo, or any of the characters portrayed in this story or in the actual novel. **

**Hello, my friends! Welcome to my first attempt at Fanfiction; a parody of the Greg Bear novel Cryptum. Now, obviously, me making fun of Cryptum is like a mouse making fun of a giant and dangerous black bear, but with Silentium approaching in the coming months I figured I might as well kick it off now. **

**Since I have nothing to say, I'll just let the big sexy "review" area at the bottom of the page do the talking. Write in it. I know you want to. Go on. I won't tell.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Ok guys, I've got a game. One of you says a color, and then I'll say something that is that color, then I'll say a color and YOU say something that is that color!"

I stopped and glanced at Chakas. "That sounds like the stupidest game ever."

Chakas scowled. "Well, genius, do you have an idea?"

"Play, 'Both of you, shut up,'" Riser murmured.

We walked on in silence for a while.

Riser let out an irritated huff. "Red."

"Apple. Bornstellar, your turn."

"Ugh… green."

"Grass. Ok, blue!"

"Your face, after I'm done with it."

"Ok, that's good! See, we're having fun! Riser, you say a color!"

Riser did not oblige, and we fell into a rather awkward silence. Chakas walked along for a while, then started to whistle a jaunty show tune. I didn't recognize what show it was from, but I knew that if I saw it now I would automatically hate it.

We continued on like this, a Manipular and two humans, heading towards what was supposed to be treasure. Chakas continued to whistle, and I continued to want to punch him in the balls.

Riser stopped. "Head is ugly," he declared, pointing at me.

I frowned. "What's wrong with my head?"

"It can get sunburned easily, for one. Plus, really man, what do you put in your hair? Bee wax?" Chakas asked. "It's like, _white._ Plus, it's all glassy."

"So? I'll have you know, _People_ magazine says that white hair is _in_."

Chakas just shook his head. "Whatever. I'll get a hat before people start thinking you're 70 or something."

With that, he began to climb a nearby tree, inching up it like a worm.

I whispered to Riser. "Why is he humping the tree?"

"I'M NOT HUMPING THE GODDAMN TREE! I'M CLIMBING IT!"

Riser chuckled. "Look like it, no?"

"I HATE YOU BOTH!"

A few minutes later, Chakas inched down the tree with a tree husk in his hands. I clapped my hands. "It's a boy!"

"Shut up."

Chakas began to cut the husk with a stone knife, and in a few more minutes he held a sombrero in his hands.

I took it. "A sombrero? Really?" It even had all the beads hanging from the side.

"_It's a boy,_" he said savagely as we started off again. I scowled and put the thing on my head. We continued to walk.

Eventually we came to a low wall made of lava rock cut into the face of a hill. It zigzagged around and vaguely resembled a troll face. I wondered if that could mean anything. _Nah._

Chakas knelt by the wall. "This is really old."

Riser nodded and licked his lips. "Older than my grandparents."

I knelt by Chakas. "How can you tell?"

Chakas pointed to graffiti on the wall. _Didact (heart) Librarian _was one of many pieces of art on it. "Ok, good point."

"Who's the Didact?" Chakas asked as we continued on.

"The Didact was a great Forerunner leader," I told him. "He commanded the fleets against the… ah…"

Chakas raised an eyebrow.

"Giant… furry fluffy bears," I finished awkwardly.

"The… giant furry fluffy bears?"

"Yes. They were horrible. Thankfully the Didact was able to drive them back."

Actually, the Didact had commanded the fleets against the human forces at Charum Hakkor, a war that brought the human race to its knees and reduced them to the degraded state they were in today. I figured Chakas didn't need to know that.

"Ahead," Riser suddenly ordered. We raced ahead through a thick patch of shrubbery and emerged over a vast white plain. In the distance, heat waves shimmered.

"This is just a desert," I protested. "There's nothing here."

"Which is why we're about to _betray _you!" Chakas shouted as he lunged at me. I let out an unbecoming scream and tumbled into the ground. As I got up, Chakas and Riser both were laughing their idiot heads off.

"You two suck," I said as I brushed myself off.

In between laughs, Chakas said, "No, but seriously, there's something out there."

"The Orgasm?" Riser asked.

"_Organon_,"I corrected, my face flushing.

Chakas shrugged. "Look out over the desert," he said. I complied. Through the heat waves I could faintly make out the shape of two large cats. One turned and winked suggestively at me. With a gust of wind, they were gone.

Not a mirage. Something more deceptive.

"Let's go," Chakas said, starting off into the white sand. Riser followed, and I was close behind.

…

"Let's play that game again," Chakas said a few minutes in.

"No," I said with finality.

"Violet."

"I don't- a violet?"

"Correct! Riser, you say a color now!"

Once again, Riser ignored him, and we fell into another silence. We walked on for hours, trying to find our way to the center of the waste. It took longer than I thought.

…

Finally I got fed up. "Screw this."

I pulled out a GPS from under my hat (What? Doesn't everybody carry a GPS in their sombrero?) and selected the center of the waste.

Chakas and Riser both jumped when a voice came out of the device. "Turn right," it said in a vaguely female voice.

"It's about damn time," I said. "Follow me, guys." I turned right.

"Turn left," it said immediately after I turned. I turned left.

"Turn right."

"Goddamn it."

"Turn left."

"What the hell?"

"Turn right."

"What?!"

"Turn left."

"Screw it, I'm done."

I chucked the insolent device far away into the desert… and it disappeared.

"This is the worst vacation I've ever taken," I said bitterly as I watched five bucks of my hard earned money vanish.

Chakas' face, however, lit up. "Wait! That's it! The center has been concealed from us. We have to follow that thing!"

We set off to where the device had gone (not far, I couldn't throw for shit) and suddenly, a wavy black path appeared in front of us.

Chakas and Riser knelt to kiss the path, and I couldn't say I didn't want to do the same. This _proved_ that there was something out here worth getting.

Above us, though, towered several large objects; war sphinxes, frozen in eternal positions of licking their butt. I wondered how the people who were preserved in them died.

"How old is this place?" I asked. The question was meant to be rhetorical, but Riser answered anyway.

"Older than when my grandfather jumped over the moon, licked the giant spoon of cookie dough, ate the stars, and humped the cow," he said.

"He means 'really old'," Chakas whispered to me. I shook my head.

"Your grandpa humped a cow?" I asked.

"He says his grandfather jumped over the moon, licked a giant spoon of cookie dough, ate stars, and the cow part is what you're interested in?" Chakas asked. "You have a sick mind."

We walked up to a war sphinx, which was contorted into a rather embarrassing position. I stroked its flank, which was starting to crumble. Chakas examined the problem area conspicuously.

"They're dead," I said.

The humans didn't say anything, and we continued to look at it.

"We should go," I said as Chakas started to get in a little too close.

We continued along the path. The other sphinxes towered over us. I would have been intimidated had they all not been in similar positions as the first.

"We go no further," Riser declared as we reached the end of the path. I looked at Chakas questioningly.

"Humans are killed if we go further than this. The next part is for Forerunners alone," he told me.

I gulped and nodded. Suddenly the idea of going further both frightened and exhilarated me.

I started down the road, then turned back to find that Chakas and Riser were both carving rather crude pictures of me into the road. They displayed no shame when I saw them. They were stick figures of me with my tongue sticking out and large piles of feces behind me. Numerous arrows saying "stupid" were pointing at the figure.

"When I find the Organon, I'm going to beat you two with it," I said as they giggled like children and continued to refine their drawing.

I started down the road. Whatever awaited me would come in due time. I just had to make sure I was back before Chakas and Riser decided to get a little raunchier with that drawing.

**Again, I do not own Cryptum, Halo, or any of the characters portrayed here or in the actual book. **

**So, I'm back! I hope you enjoyed the latest installment of "Cryptumite." Also, I used lines of periods to make page breaks for this one, in case that messes any of you up. I think it looks smoother that way. **

**Read and review, as usual, and win an internet cookie! It's filled with real frog guts! Remember kids, a frog a day keeps the Spanish Inquisition away!**


	3. Chapter 3

I arrived at a large, almost circular hollow. The sand inside surrounded a large white pillar with a black tip, rising out of the sand.

I hopped down to a lower ledge and looked closer. From this distance I could barely make out writing of some sort…

"What's up?"

"AHHHH!" I jumped, then immediately composed myself when I saw the two humans behind me. Chakas was grinning. I wanted to punch him in the face.

"Aren't you two working on your _art_?" I asked with acid in my voice. Chakas' grin widened.

"Well, we kind of got bored after a few minutes and decided to follow you."

"I thought you said that humans died after that point?" I directed my question towards Riser.

Riser shrugged. "Lied. Forerunner stupid."

I frowned.

"Oh, come on, lighten up, dude," Chakas told me. "Aren't you about to find your Orgasm here?"

I didn't bother correcting him anymore, despite the possible interpretations that could be gleaned with that sentence.

"Yes, but… I'm not sure this is it," I admitted. "It's definitely Forerunner in origin, but-"

Chakas held up a hand. "Whatever, dude. You should take a closer look."

I grew suspicious. "Why?"

"What do you mean why?" Chakas asked. "Isn't this interesting, at least? You should totally take a closer look. Go on, nothing will happen… at all…"

I was assuaged by his clearly legitimate reassurance. "Well, I'll take a closer look."

I jumped down.

"Quick, Riser get out of he- oh, um, never mind… just, uh, take a closer look then…"

I cocked my head. "Ok…?"

I walked up to the pillar. Riser was grumbling to Chakas about something.

"You tell me… he supposed to be dead…"

"Look, buddy… sand was supposed to… happens to everyone else…"

I had no time to pay attention, though, because I could make out the markings on the pillar. They were written in Digon, the ancient language of the Forerunners. There were several markings.

**LOL this looks wrong haha**

**Your mom looks wrong dude**

**Hey wanna fight bro?**

**Sure just as soon as I'm done with your mom**

**LOL why are you doing that if she looks wrong? You have experience? **

**At least I have experience dude. Oh yeah you do with dogs LOL**

**Dude meet me at Djamonkin Crater ill fight you bro**

**Fine**

I assume this extended conversation ended rather brutally.

I looked up at the two humans, who were trying to stick an "I'm stupid" sign on my back with a pole. They drew back when I turned around.

"This is obviously a sophisticated Forerunner relic," I told them. "This is really old…"

Chakas shrugged. "So do something. Hump it for all I care. It's getting dark though, and I don't want to be caught out here in the dark."

I examined the pillar. I didn't know what would happen when I touched it. But old urges sprang up in me, and I tasted adventure.

As I stretched out my hand, I heard an excitable whisper behind me (Dude! I think he's actually going to hump it!). In the instant of contact, a hundred images of old Forerunner cities, wars, and porn videos flashed through my head. The pillar began to shift, and a voice emanated from it.

_Who dares wake the Didact from eternal peace?_

I jumped back, surprised. Chakas bared his teeth like a wolf, and Riser just stared.

"Um… Bornstellar Makes Eternal Lasting, son of-"

_I don't need your life story, you prick. Are you here to wake the Didact or not? _

"Um, wake him up, you mean like, bring him back?"

_No, dumbass, I meant to leave him in the ground. Are all Manipulars these days retarded, or are you the exception to the rule? _

That stung.

"Yes, I'm here to wake the Didact."

"What?!" Chakas hissed. "Are you insane? What about what he did to the giant furry fluffy bears?"

I scratched my neck and looked around.

_I require confirmation. Will you provide a urine sample? _

"I'm not giving urine."

_Then I require confirmation from the Librarian. _

"Crap, those overdue books haunt me every step of the way. Guys, I need you to cover for me-"

Chakas and Riser started to sing, a low, wailing keen that made the nonexistent hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

The pillar hummed as if in pleasure. I refused to let my mind think about something inappropriate.

_Confirmation received. Are you ready to begin the awakening process?_

"I-I guess…" I stuttered.

_Then let us begin. _

…

The process did not take long.

"Look away," I said as the ground began to open. We shielded our eyes, but even through my palms I could see a blue, glowing light. Behind us another light flared up, searing through the ground and leaving viscous afterimages on my retinas.

The lights faded. I lowered my hands, and gazed upon the Promethean whom had brought entire worlds to their knees and entire races to heel.

"He looks like my grandpa after he got that vasectomy," Chakas said.

"Ugly, like great bag of rotten tomatoes," Riser said.

I just shook my head.

What lay before me was _not _the Didact. It couldn't be. It looked like the ugly lovechild of a mutated horsefly having depraved sex with a rabid carnivorous cross between a dragon and a retarded duckling.

In other words, pretty damn ugly.

"What does this mean?" Chakas asked. "Is this treasure?"

"No," I answered, feeling the weight of despair truly for the first time. "To violate a Cryptum… that requires _severe _punishment. Sanctions. Disgrace. We may even have to sing for the Master Builder on his birthday."

Chakas stared at me blankly.

"Trust me," I said. "It's pretty bad. He makes us all replace the word 'Maybe' in 'Call me Maybe' with 'Faber'."

"Will humans be punished, too?"

I didn't answer.

…

I stared now at the entrance to the room that held the Cryptum. The war sphinxes had begun to move about the island, but that apparently required some vigorous warm ups beforehand, including humping anything they see. This led to some very embarrassing moments that had better not be recorded here whenever one of us got too close to one of them.

Chakas stood behind me. "We should just get out of here," he said. "Run away. Leave that Didact thing to float in his arthritis or whatever Forerunners get."

I just shook my head. "_You are what you dare,_" I told him, which earned me a scowl and a grudging look of admiration.

I entered the building.

The Didact lay in a sling over a pool. He was as ugly as ever, but I kept heading towards him.

The voice spoke again.

_Oh, it's you again, Tweedledee the Wonder Dumbass. _

"Shut up," I told it. "My mom says I'm special."

_I bet she does. Regardless. You're the only Forerunner here. Do you witness the return of the Didact?_

"What?"

_Oh good God. Do. You. Witness. The. Return. Of. The. Didact?_

"I witness," I said.

_Do you speak for this one about to be recalled? _

"I… don't know what to say."

_Do you _speak?

"Um, I-uh-I pledge allegiance, to the flag-"

_Oh Jesus Chist. Never mind. Just… just never mind. I'll just assume you speak. Do you defend the decision to bring the Didact back?_

"I defend the decision."

Thank_ you. You _do _have a brain. _

The room was silent for a while. The Didact still lay before me, shriveled and on the brink of death. I wondered if he would react if I poked him.

A clear tube filled with blue liquid descended from the ceiling. _Apply the electrolytes, _the disembodied voice told me.

"To his mouth?" I asked.

_No, to his asshole. God, sometimes I wonder about the future generations. First they're nice when they're young, then they're all "Dad, can I borrow the translight superconductor for a school project?" and before you know it they're out with your Slipstream Class hypercar with their bonding mate._

"Do you have kids?" I asked.

_No, why? _

"Never mind," I said.

I knelt beside the Didact with the tube and put it in his mouth. The fluid vanished down his gullet and he shivered. I backed away.

_The rehydration process is now complete. Thank you for using Forerunner Electrolyte. We know you have a lot of choices out there for electrolytes used to revive ancient Warrior-Servants from Cryptums, and we appreciate your service. Now get out of here before I flood this place with neurotoxin. _

Still unsure of the future, I left the building.

**Ah, I'm back. Sorry, this took a bit longer than usual. School and all. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the new chapter. As always, review, and you get a cookie. This time, they're all filled with the dreams of children! As you take your bite, remember to revel in the taste of children's tears.**

**Bye.**


	4. Chapter 4

The Didact opened his eyes. Light appeared, and he shut them again tightly.

He was lying on a sling above a pool of water, slowly swaying in the wind. He hated the wind. He grasped his hands, trying to choke it, but it didn't work. The wind still blew.

A strange noise sounded above him. He swiveled his eyes upwards, where a green-eyed monitor was making his way towards him.

"Hi there!" the monitor said. "How are you doing?"

"How long was I in the Cryptum?" The Didact asked.

"10,345 years, 3 months, 21 days, 7 hours, 34 minutes, 12 seconds, 67 milliseconds, 98.3443 microseconds, and 54.5566544544 nanoseconds. So, how are you feeling? If you feel a slight nausea, don't worry, that's probably just the effect of your brain being currently outside of your body. Don't worry, really, it's all under control, but seriously, just kind of lay there and I'll make sure your brain gets put back in while I try to find your kidney. Again, don't worry, it can't have gone far-"

"My-my brain is _outside _of my body?!"

"Well, now, see, that's just the kind of reaction we don't need right now. Just breathe in, out, and most of all, _don't panic_. This kind of stuff happens all the time. Or, at least, I think it does, I've never really done this before. So, yeah, just-just stay still."

The Didact lay back and fell asleep again.

…

"Oh, hey, you're back! Good news, your brain was successfully put back into your head! Oh, isn't this exciting? But, ah, I couldn't find your kidney, so I just replaced it with a raw potato. I don't expect any side effects, but if you spontaneously die all of a sudden, that's probably why."

The Didact got up out of the sling.

"Where am I?" he asked briskly.

"Erde-Tyrene," the monitor said. "Nice place, really. _Covered _with humans, though. I think there's two of them outside now."

"What?" The Didact demanded. "Two humans, desecrating my resting place?"

He didn't allow the monitor time to respond. Brushing past him as the monitor babbled on about prime real estate, he left the building.

…

"Checkmate," Chakas said. I scowled at him.

"You cheated," I accused.

"Nuh-uh. You're just jealous. Go on, admit it. I won't tell."

"Jealous of what? You're fat, ugly, and a human."

Now it was Chakas' turn to scowl. "Pot calling the kettle black on the fat thing, I think."

"What?" I demanded. "I'm not fat."

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you- oh holy shit, the jolly green giant is up. Get the pepper spray!"

We enacted our plan for when the Didact awoke. I grabbed the emergency pepper spray and hit the Didact full on in the face.

"AHHHH!" he screeched and fell to his knees. The monitor floating next to him gazed at him briefly and then turned to us.

"Hello!" he said to us cheerfully. I was carefully watching the Didact.

"Hello," I said.

"God-DAMMIT! WHO THE HELL DID THAT?" the Didact bellowed as he got up slowly.

"I did, sir. I heard that Prometheans draw strength from pain, so I thought I would hit you with pepper spray."

"WHAT INGRATE TOLD YOU _THAT?!_"

"Well, it's all in the records, sir. You're welcome."

"I'M _WELCOME?_"

"Pardon the interruption, Mr. Didact sir, but your blood levels are rising dangerously. Shall I tranquilize you?" the green monitor said.

"No, no, I'm fine. Where are the humans?"

Chakas edged slowly away. The Didact's eye fell upon him.

"_Humans _at my final resting place," the Didact said coldly. "A greater disgrace I cannot think of."

"Yeah, well, you're stupid," Chakas responded. I wanted to clamp my hands around his mouth.

"I hoped to awake in triumph and recognition of my achievements," the Didact said sadly. "Instead I find myself facing a retarded Manipular and his two human pets."

"I'm _sorry_?" I asked, my old rebelliousness rising up again.

"You're forgiven, I suppose. But I must know. I entered this Cryptum on another world. Why am I here, instead?"

"Well, after the Master Builder was done with you – you made a fantastic Precursor-mas tree topper at the party, by the way, absolutely splendid – the Librarian brought you here and hid you in a baffler," the monitor interjected enthusiastically.

The Didact turned to the monitor. "What is your name and purpose, ancilla?"

"I'm so glad you asked, sir! The Master Builder never asked me what my name was, no, it was all business with him, not that I'm complaining, of course, that would be silly, but really, how hard is it-"

"Your name, ancilla."

"Oh, of course! 5467 Guileless Diameter."

"And your purpose?"

"Well, according to the Master Builder, it's to 'babysit the senile old fool.' Such a sense of humor, that one has!"

The Didact turned back to me. Guileless hovered behind him, still chatting away about the virtues of the Master Builder. His sadness was like a pall over the beach. Somehow for the first time, I wondered if waking him was such a good idea.

"I must put my armor on," he told me, cutting off Guileless' monologue. "Then we should be off."

"Off?" I asked, my voice squeaking. "Off to where?"

"The Librarian hid a seed here, Manipular. The seed will grow into a ship."

"Wait," Chakas said. "We should wait, plan. We can't just-"

The Didact pointed to the sky. A crap-load of ships hovered above us, of all denotations and décor. One even had a rainbow on the side with the words "gay pride" on it.

"Oh," Chakas said.

"They're here either to ask for my help, arrest me, or compliment me on my choice of dress before executing me."

"Why would they comment on your choice of dress right before killing you?" I asked.

"It's Forerunner tradition," the Didact explained to me. "One mustn't kill someone when they feel bad. The compliment will heighten their self-esteem and cheer them up right before they die."

"Sounds kind of morbid," I said. "I mean, isn't that a bit cruel? To get people's hopes up then kill them?"

"I wouldn't know, no one has ever complimented my choice of dress before," the Didact said.

"Well, I think it looks nice," Guileless said helpfully.

"I'm not wearing anything right now, ancilla."

"Oh, right. Well, I'm sure, whatever you wear, it'll look just divine!"

The Didact proceeded back to the building. Guileless followed him, and the rest of us soon did as well.

…

The Didact extended his arms and legs into a position of robing. His armor formed around him, and soon he once again wore his legendary Promethean armor. He stepped off the platform and faced us. His helmet formed around his face.

"We must leave now," he said, setting a steady jog from the building. Unfortunately, a "steady jog" for the Didact was really freaking fast and he soon left us all behind. Even Guileless wasn't fast enough to keep up.

He slowed once he realized that we were far behind him. "Right, sorry," he said.

"Not at all! Your pace was absolutely incredible!" Guileless said cheerfully. Chakas, Riser and I were too exhausted to speak.

"Why did you come here? No doubt seeking treasure." the Didact said, answering his own question. All around us, Djamonkin Crater was changing, shifting as thought tectonic plates below it were at play.

"How did you know?"

"Because all Manipulars are interested in treasure. They invariably seek the Orgasm."

Oh dear God. "It's, ah, it's the Organon, sir-"

"That too. You seek treasure that does not exist."

"What?"

"The Orgasm doesn't exist, or, at least, not as such."

I was stunned. "Oh, well, ah, that's… disappointing."

"No doubt."

The Didact went ahead again. I was left to my thoughts.

If the Orgasm (godammit) didn't exist… I had come here for nothing. My trip and ultimately the awakening of the Didact had been based on a lie. I felt vaguely ill.

Guileless pulled up beside me. "Oh, isn't it just wonderful? You know, this is my first time meeting the Didact."

"Mine too," I said.

"Such excitement! You know, the Master Builder told me he was a 'miserable old asshole', but really, he's quite nice! I do enjoy his company. I wish I could find his kidney, though. That seems like something important. Is it? Or is it something you can do without? I'm not sure, actually. Still, though, it must be a nice kidney. Such a waste. I hope he doesn't die spontaneously. That would be terribly disappointing."

"Uh-huh," I said.

Guileless continued to chatter on, and I continued to not listen. The Didact led us slowly up the mountain as more and more ships arrived in the sky, some with advertisements painted on the side like _Unggoy Meat Sausages! Get 'Em While They're Hot! _and _Find Yourself Extremely Ugly After Your First Mutation? Our Expert Team of Ancillas Will Make You Not Look Like the Spawn of an Ugly Duckling and Satan After Dark!_

Soon the ship that was growing became readily apparent. The infrastructure was being knitted from hard light, while the outside was being coated in strong metal. The ship began to vaguely resemble a duck. I pointed this out the Chakas quietly. He agreed.

"We will camp here," the Didact proclaimed. "The ship will be ready in the morning."

"Are you insane?" I asked. "There are, like, a billion ships in the sky-"

"23,567, to be exact," Guileless Diameter interjected cheerfully. "Your estimation of a billion was quite wrong, I'm afraid. Were there to be a billion ships in the sky, why, the entire atmosphere would be filled with them!"

"Thank you, Guileless," the Didact said wearily.

"You're very welcome!" Guileless said.

"-Well, still, we can't just s_tay_ here," I said. "The ships will surely find us!"

"We have no choice," the Didact said. "The ship is not ready."

I turned away. It didn't matter anymore. It seemed that whatever I did, I would be captured. Going with the Didact, at least, delayed that possibility.

That night, as I tried to sleep, I felt a strange warmth on my hand. Wearily, I looked up to find Chakas and Riser trying to place my hand in a warm bowl of water.

"You guys realize that trick doesn't work on Forerunners, right?" I asked, startling them.

They both fled, and I was left with the sound of Guileless humming and my thoughts.

**In case you're wondering about Guileless Diameter, he's the only original character I'll add to this story and the closest I'll ever come to a self-insert. I drew inspiration for his character from C3PO from Star Wars, Wheatley from Portal, and 343 Guilty Spark from… you know. **

**So, anyway, do review this chapter. 3 reviews in 4 chapters? Come on guys. Think of the children. Actually don't, because that will distract you from reviewing.**


	5. Chapter 5

I awoke to find the ship complete. Its thick gray walls had finished forming, and it definitely confirmed my first impression that the ship, indeed, looked like a duck.

I was the first awake. After quickly drawing a mustache on the Didact, I went to observe the sky. Thousands of ships still swarmed overhead. More had arrived overnight, this time sporting banners advertising sports drinks and clothing items. Either way, my fears had not been confirmed; we were not abducted while we slept.

I hiked back down to our camp. Everyone was beginning to wake. The Didact was already up, gazing at the sky as I had.

"We leave today," he said.

He turned to find both Chakas and Riser staring at him.

"What?" he demanded.

"You, ah," Chakas began. "You have a… thing… on your lip…"

"Spit it out, primate," the Didact snarled, feeling around his upper lip.

"It's, um, never mind. It's gone now." Chakas glanced at me helplessly. I shrugged.

"Uh… whatever. We leave very soon," the Didact said, gesturing to the grandiose ship. "We will go to Charum Hakkor. My wife obviously has plans for me… for all of us."

Chakas snickered.

"WHAT IS IT?" the Didact yelled with such severity that a lesser man may have been killed by the force of it. As it was, Chakas rocked back on his heels.

"Nothing, sir," Chakas deadpanned. "I just thought of a joke."

"Would you care to share?" the Didact said sardonically.

"Not really, sir. It's kind of dirty."

Riser chuckled.

"Human, I have taught at schools before. No joke is too dirty for me. As it is, though, we must hurry. The ships are bound to notice something is up."

Considering the fact that an entire _fleet _of ships had somehow managed to miss a giant ship just growing from the ground right beneath them, I doubted they would notice anything now. I didn't share my thought, though.

The Didact marched on, and we all fell in behind him. I pulled up beside Chakas. "What was the joke?" I asked him quietly. He just grinned and pointed at the Didact, miming a mustache. We snorted with laughter, and the Didact turned to us with that "shut the fuck up before I kill you" look.

Apparently, he_ had_ taught children before.

…

The ship's interior was much like the exterior. The command center had a round, arcing ceiling and a smooth floor. The control panel lay at the front, overlooking the window. The ships still swarmed overhead.

Guileless Diameter floated towards the panel. "Joy!" he exclaimed. "I just so love ships. They're so… shippy! You know, I've flown a ship before. The summer of 6676, I believe it was. It didn't turn out so well, but, you know what they say; if at first you don't succeed, you probably will a second time! Or, at least, that's what I think it says."

"Please be quiet," the Didact said. With a joyful expression of submission the monitor turned away to survey more of the ship.

The Didact sat at the control panel. "We have to hurry once we launch. The fleet will try to shoot us down."

"Wow," Chakas said. "This is just so much fun! This is totally how I thought I'd spend this Thursday; locked in a ship with two Forerunners, one an idiot and one a psychopathic murderer. And, to top it all off, we're going to be shot at by _more _Forerunners with humongous ships while we speed away to a place I don't really want to go to anyway. Such fun."

"Isn't it?" Guileless enthused.

"I suggest, human," the Didact said, "you deal with it."

"Of course," Chakas said.

"We'll leave now, so long as we have permission from the human?" the Didact said, gazing at Chakas.

Chakas rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"5467 Guileless Diameter," the Didact said, "you will now be hooked up to the ship."

"Fantastic! Oh, I just can't wait! This will be more fun than the time I-"

A large rumble outside startled us all and stopped Guileless before he got into a monologue. The Didact strode to the window and looked out. He turned back, his face pale.

"They are firing at us," he said.

"Oh, so NOW that a few people they can't see from where they are got into the ship, they start firing," I said. "Awesome. Just awesome."

"You're starting to sound like the human," the Didact said.

"I have a name," Chakas said.

"It probably sucks," the Didact responded. "Like all human names."

"Screw you."

The ship rumbled again. Guileless Diameter was busy inserting himself into the terminal on the ceiling.

"Uh, guys, if this terminal says, 'Warning: Catastrophic Death Imminent' is that bad? Or is that one of those warnings companies give out to get you to buy their products?"

A small anthropomorphic paper clip appeared on the screen of the control panel. "It looks like you're about to launch the ship. Do you require help?" it asked.

"Yes!" Guileless Diameter said. "Can you show me how to launch this thing?"

"Please press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart your computer."

The ship powered down.

"Ancilla!" the Didact thundered.

"Right, right, hang on, I've got this under control! Ooh, did you guys know that, in 100,000 years, the world's larget chocolate sculpture will be created? Oh, uh, I got it!"

The ship powered back up and started to move.

"Awesome! This is great! This is fun, guys, we should do this more often!"

The ship shuddered again as it took more punishment from the fleet.

"Wow, a Moa can reach speeds of almost 140 kilometers per hour! Have you guys ever seen a Moa? I heard they're so cool!"

The ship started to tip over.

"Guileless!" I yelled, cutting off another factoid. "We're tipping over!"

"Oh, right! That's normal, guys, that's supposed to happen! Well, you know, depending on how you look at it. If you're suicidal, this is actually really good news!"

"Brace for impact!" the Didact yelled.

A large thud rang through the ship as it hit the ground. Beams collapsed into the bridge and Guileless rattled around in the ceiling terminal. His green eye buzzed around. The rest of us, disoriented, collapsed onto the floor.

"Ok, I've established an uplink. We'll get out of this-"

"Hello, I am the ship's personal launch wizard. Please press next to proceed."

"Now we're talking!" Guileless said. "Ok, we'll be out of this in no time!"

"This next step requires the installation of NextLight ...3.2.0 software which will take approximately thirty million years, local time. Would you like to download?"

"Uh, is there anything that will take less time?"

"You may also install CrapLight Version 0.0, which will take about two seconds and contains the processing power of a cheetah humping a horse. Would you like to download?"

"Yes!"

"Download complete. Please be aware that CrapLight is not responsible for any death, mutilation, spontaneous combustion, or otherwise unfortunate circumstances that result in anything from mild inconvenience to the premature heat death of the Universe. Thank you for using CrapLight!"

"Alright, now we're in business!"

The ship groaned as the thrusters started to fire.

"Shouldn't we be upright before we launch?" I asked, alarmed.

"Oh, yeah, that's probably important. Um, computer?" Guileless queried.

"Yes?"

"Can we, you know, not be lying on our side?"

"I apologize. CrapLight does not allow for that. Would you like to be redirected to our customer service desk?"

The thrusters continued to fire.

"No," Guileless said, "Sorry, we don't really have time-"

"Negative answer interpreted as yes. Please hold, sir."

Extraordinarily annoying music started to play throughout the ship as it began to move towards the ocean, obliterating any and all natural objects such as trees and small mountains in its path.

"Yees, 'allo, thees ees the coostumer service desk," a voice said over the intercom.

"Yes, ah, hello, we're in kind of a predicament here. The ship is currently on its side and is plowing its way towards the ocean and we're about to die in literally two minutes. What should we do?"

"Deed yu try turning it oof and theen back oon again?"

"Well, that's actually not really an option right now-"

"Plees hold while I reedyrect yu to the advanced coostomer service desk!"

The music began to play again.

"ANCILLA!" the Didact roared.

"Ahah! I've got it for real this time! Hold on, guys!"

The ship began to arc upwards. We began to fall towards the opposite wall as the ship continued to take fire from the fleet.

"The ship's systems are falling apart!" the Didact warned.

"We're almost there!" Guileless said.

The ship cleared the atmosphere. The fleet was right up ahead.

"Oh, crap."

"Please remember that the CrapLight warranty is automatically invalid if the user dies horribly and violently!" the computer chipped in.

"Uh, hang on, guys!"

Our ship collided with another one in the air. It erupted into a ball of flame as ours shuddered violently. A dozen monitors winked out and our ship's skin began to peel away, revealing the layer of hardlight beneath.

"Crap, crap, crap-" Guileless said as the rest of the ships aimed their weapons at us.

Our ship entered the black void of space.

"We're home free, guys! All we have to do is jump into slipspace, and-"

"Hello, this is the advanced support desk," a cultured voice sounded. "What seems to be your emergency?"

"We, ah, need to jump into Slipspace right now, and nothing is happening-"

"Did you try turning it off, then on again?"

"No! We're in serious trouble right now!"

"Sir, please calm down. Now then, I'm sure if you close your eyes and dream hard enough, your ship will work."

"W-what?" Chakas said. "If we _dream _hard enough?!"

"We need to leave NOW!" the Didact yelled. The fleet behind us was charging their weapons.

"Yes! I got it! Hold on, this might get a little bit bumpy!" Guileless said.

A portal appeared in front of us, and we exited into slipspace just as hundreds of energy beams began to follow us. We were out of the system and the portal was closed before any of them got to us.

We were away.

**Sorry for the abrupt ending on this chapter, but I felt the departure from Erde-Tyrene was a good enough point to end it. Let me tell you, this one was a fun one to write. **

**So, anyway, read and review! I will see you all on the other side. Of what, I don't know, but odds are there is a wall or something somewhere, and it is possible for me to be on one side and you on the other. So there you go.**


	6. Chapter 6

The ship shuddered as we entered normal space. The planet of Charum Hakkor appeared underneath us, a large grey sphere that kind of looked like a bunion.

The Didact paced the floor of the ship. "Ancilla," he croaked. "Status report."

"Well, it appears that the entire bottom half of our ship has disappeared. Don't worry, though, I'm sure the warranty covers it!"

A broken voice came on over the speakers. "Re-remember, Crap-Crap-CrapLight is no-not resp-responsible for any structural damages received during use!"

The ship was silent for a while. The Didact sighed. "Well," he said, "Regardless, we're here."

"You say "regardless" a lot," Chakas said.

"Human, I swear to God-"

"What's that?" I asked to divert the conversation. "That" was a large grey planet we could see through the viewport. The planet in question was covered in a thick grey atmosphere.

"That… is Charum Hakkor," the Didact said. "The last stronghold of the human race. I met my wife here, you know."

"That's totally useful and relevant," Chakas said. "What are we doing here?"

The Didact, in a rare show of self-restraint, ignored Chakas' slur. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "I think we must go to the surface, though. My wife obviously has plans-"

"Oooh, I hear Charum Hakkor has the best souvenirs this side of Orion," Guileless Diameter said cheerily from his terminal. "I hear you can actually buy a real human skull here! I don't know what one would use it for, but I imagine it must look fabulous for Halloween parties! Of course, I think the ones they sell are filled with some kind of weird liquid, though. I wonder what that is? I bet it's some kind of scientific thing! Ooh, I should look it up!"

"Anyway," the Didact said, resolving to ignore the ancilla. "We must go soon. The humans will not survive on the surface without armor."

He glanced at Chakas.

"Oh no," he said. "You're not getting me into one of the monkey suits you guys wear. Really, I get it; you guys like looking gay. That's fine, I don't judge. But it's not for me!"

There was a long silence.

"It says here that someone who denies being gay has a thirty percent greater likelihood of being gay themselves! Isn't that interesting! Oh sorry guys, I wasn't really listening. What were we talking about?" Guileless said suddenly.

The long silence became awkward. Well, even more awkward than it was before.

"I'll put on the damn suit," Chakas growled.

…

Our ship descended slowly into the murky atmosphere. I strained to see further, through the clouds, towards the repository of relics that was said to reside here.

I turned to the humans. Chakas looked distinctly uncomfortable, but Riser looked perfectly at ease.

"There is a blue woman in my head," Riser declared.

"Mine too," Chakas said. "She's hot."

"Isn't she?" Riser asked.

I didn't join the conversation, but I secretly agreed.

"The _fools,_" the Didact cried as we were finally able to gaze upon the planet.

Wreckage was strewed across the surface. Long, winding arcs were spread across the planet in lazy intertwinement. There was a notable pair in the distance that looked like the McDonald's logo.

"Something happened here," I said.

"What a genius anylasis," Chakas said. "'Something happened here.' Marvelous. That clears everything right up, hmm?"

Everybody was too stunned by the sight of the planet to answer.

…

The ship came down about a kilometer away from a large, cylindrical building, half buried in the dirt. The Didact disembarked first, with the humans and me in just behind him.

The walk was a long one, with little to occupy our time. Naturally, Chakas took this as an invitation.

"OK, let's play that game we were playing earlier! Remember? The colors?"

I groaned out loud. This really _was _a shitty vacation.

"Red," Chakas said.

"Blood," I snarled as I nearly stubbed my toe on a human bone.

"Technically, that's not always true," Guileless Diameter, who had somehow snuck up on us, informed us happily, making us all jump. "Sangheili blood is purple, while Unggoy blood is blue. Only Humans, San'Shyuum, Forerunners, and the Kjeie:jebe have red blood."

"Ah, I remember the San'Shyuum," the Didact said. "Before the war, I hear you could get one to have sex with you for only ten shduydujends."

"That was like, the most disturbing piece of news I've ever heard," Chakas said. "Weren't they concerned with, you know, the fact that they were having sex with members of different species? Isn't that bestiality or something?"

"Not if the price was right," the Didact said, seemingly lost in another world of sensuality and disturbing San'Shyuum prostitutes.

Everyone was quiet after that. Chakas didn't have the stomach to continue with his game.

Finally, we reached the crumbling entrance to the arena. A sign hung above the door. The words were crossed out and a conspicuous drawing of a penis was badly scrawled over top of it.

"What have they _done_?" the Didact whispered despairingly as he gazed into the arena itself. We tried to peek over his shoulder, but he was too tall.

"What did they do?" I asked, irritated.

"They unleashed it."

"What's 'it'?" Chakas asked as the Didact finally let us see into the arena.

"Something terrible the Precursors left behind," the Didact said. "It was brought here by the Humans thousands of years ago. It was an… _oracle_ of sorts."

"It was fearsome in its prime," Chakas said suddenly, with a sharp undercurrent of sadness. "A monster."

The Didact regarded Chakas curiously, perhaps with a touch of fear. Then he turned to me.

"We must go," he said abruptly.

For some reason, I noticed then that he still had the fake mustache on his face.

…

I meditated in my room, hoping it would make me look sophisticated to the humans who shared my room.

"This planet is bringing up all sorts of bad memories," Chakas said. "Blood memories. My ancestors-"

"So write Dear Abby about it. None of us here honestly cares," I said irritably. It may have been harsh, but if you'd been abducted by a sociopathic Forerunner military leader who'd been asleep for thousands of years while being forced to listen to Chakas either be moody and sarcastic or wanting to play that stupid color game, you'd be irritable too.

"Yeah, well, you're stupid," Chakas said.

"You're ugly," I shot back.

"You're dumb."

"You're a dumbass."

"You're gay."

"You're a pedophile."

"OK, that was ONCE-"

A loud throat clearing from the entrance to the room silenced our discussion. The Didact stood and surveyed us quietly, perhaps wondering why the Librarian had left _us_ to help him in his mission.

"We approach Faun Hakkor," he said softly. "Come with me to the bridge."

…

The sight of the planet, even scarred as it was, was breath-taking.

Lists appeared on the window. All animals larger than a meter and plants larger than a millimeter, including the Pheru, had been destroyed. The planet itself was scarred, with long, winding curves sliced deep into the crust serving as memoriam for… whatever happened here.

"We have become the monsters," the Didact said. "_It_ has returned in such force that we would destroy anything that thinks or plans… reasons…"

"What has returned?" I asked.

"Despite the obvious fact that this will become very important for you to know later on, I've decided not to tell you," the Didact said.

"Is it the giant furry fluffy bears?" Chakas asked solemnly.

The Didact eyed him in bafflement. "The… what?"

"The giant furry fluffy bears. You know. Them. Bornstellar says they're extremely dangerous."

The Didact stared at Chakas for about a minute. The room became very awkward. I glanced around and coughed nervously.

"…Right," the Didact said. "Sure. You know what, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that at all to preserve what's left of my sanity."

He then turned to Guileless Diameter, who was hovering behind us, humming insipidly.

"Ancilla," he said. "We must go to the San'Shyuum quarantine system. Perhaps the answers we seek lie there."

He turned to us then. "I will go below deck to contemplate."

"Hasn't the entire bottom half of the ship been destroyed?" I asked.

The Didact thought for a while. "This trip sucks."

"I agree," I said.

Guileless Diameter installed himself into the ceiling terminal. "Wow, Janjur Qom? I hear that place is awesome! They have such great cafés! Did you know that they import their coffee straight from Sothra Hakkor and Athrum Hakkor? The best! Of course, I've never tried it, you know, not having biological form and all that; but hey, who's complaining? Not me, that's for sure!"

"Can we please just go?" the Didact asked, burying his head in his hands.

"Oh, right! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, we're going to accelerating pretty quickly, so if you don't have your suits on in about one minute you're going to be turned into gooey masses of bone and arteries!"

We all scrambled to put the suits on as the ship began to move.

**God, it's been forever, hasn't it? Sorry about that. Real life combined with a healthy dose of writer's block hit me like an oncoming train… for the past more-than-a-month. Sorry about that, again. This chapter was the result of a month of false starts and "eh, I'll work on it later"s. I think it turned out OK, though. **

**I definitely plan to have the next chapter up much sooner than this one. Until then, just know that no, I'm not dead, just really, really lazy.**


	7. Chapter 7

Before we continue, I'd like to tell you a few things about Slipspace.

Slipspace is a rather confusing place. Rumors abound that a hybrid civilization consisting of a mix of ancient arthropod mushrooms exists there, but records of such a civilization have been lost, and the only ship thought to have come into contact with it came back with a large cargo-hold of cinnamon buns and pony femurs, even though the pilots left with a cargo consisting of Slipspace drives and spare parts.

Many years before I was born, a famous Builder scientist by the name of Builds Tons of Stuff (his family was rather extensive and his parents were tired of naming kids by the time he was born) famously slammed his book onto his desk after discovering something new about Slipspace, reportedly uttering the words, "Screw this, I'm done."

This movement, later christened the "Scientific Apathetic Movement" was fueled by new and profoundly weird discoveries, all of which gave a metaphorical middle finger to everything we knew about science. By the time a decade had passed almost 99% of scientists had follows Builds' example and quit their jobs. The 1% who continued researching have reportedly been driven mad and spend their days counting the leaves on cabbages. Some say that the scientists are trying to tell us the answer to the ultimate meaning of life, but most people just think it's just insane people picking at cabbages.

The bottom line is that Slipspace is really freaking weird.

Such it was that upon arrival at Janjur Qom we were upside down, dressed in hula skirts and our mouths were filled to capacity with purple jellybeans.

The Didact spat out the jellybeans. "I hate purple," he remarked calmly before righting himself and striding to the controls of the ship. I wasn't sure whether to spit the jellybeans out or eat them, so I just kind of sat there like a moron.

"What, does this kind of stuff happen often?" Chakas asked.

"More or less," the Didact said. "During the Charum Hakkor campaign one jump in particular turned my entire bridge crew into anthropomorphic cheetahs who spoke only Chinese. We had to release them into the wild."

I spat out the jellybeans. "Did we at least make it to Janjur Qom?" I asked.

"See for yourself," the Didact invited me. I gazed out over the planet. It was plastered with large-scale advertisements for various brands of toothpaste, popcorn chicken, chicken-flavored popcorn and roasted Kig-Yar.

"I will see if my old comrade, the Confirmer, is still in charge of the quarantine. Perhaps he will let us see the San'Shyuum," the Didact said.

"Why are we here again?" Chakas asked. He was ignored.

The Didact turned towards me. "Come with me," he commanded. "We must attend to something before we dock with the _Deep Reverence._"

"The what?" Chakas asked. He was again ignored.

The Didact led me to a side room. He regarded me curiously for a second, and I did my best to stand as tall as I could in his presence. Finally he spoke.

"Before we proceed to the _Deep Reverence_, there is something we must do before you can understand completely. The Librarian has plans for you, and I must…"

"Ah," I said, understanding. "I see."

"Right," the Didact said. "It won't be pleasant, but it has to happen."

"No, I understand," I said. I hesitated. "Will it be quick?"

"That depends," the Didact said. "I mean, I've been imprisoned for a thousand years…"

"Ok," I said. "So it'll take a while for it to get going?"

"That's one way to put it, I suppose," the Didact said, cocking his head. "Are you ready?"

"I guess," I sighed, and assumed the proper position on the table. "Just… try not to go in too roughly."

There was a long silence behind me. I turned my head to look at the Didact, who was looking cautiously horrified. "What?" I asked.

The Didact didn't respond for a moment, but eventually he turned his head back up to face me. He swallowed drily.

"Um," was all he could get out.

"What?" I asked nervously. "Is it too small for you?"

The Didact sputtered for a bit. "I, uh," he said. "I wasn't talking about… that. I was talking about doing a brevet mutation. So you can access the Domain. Which will be important later on."

"Oh," I said. "Oh. _Ohhhhh_."

Needless to say, an awkward silence stretched for a long, long, time.

"Let's just begin the mutation, then," the Didact said. I nodded quickly.

…

Before we continue, I feel it necessary to explain just what a brevet mutation is, at least as compared to a regular mutation.

Essentially, when a Forerunner gets old enough, rather than explaining to them about the birds and the bees like humans do, Forerunner parents take their child and force their DNA to evolve artificially until they look totally different and are part of a rate. Normal mutations are typically done under the guidance of your family with lots of pie and cake afterwards, but brevet mutations are unprofessional affairs that are usually done by hipsters trying to avoid the "mainstream" regular mutations and freaks looking for a "good time".

Brevet mutations are significantly more dangerous than regular mutations. They require much effort and concentration, and even then can come out very, very wrong. The few people I knew whom had undergone brevet mutations vanished, placed at menial desk jobs to work for the rest of their life. The last I had heard of one of them was a cryptic message sent to me concerning watermelons and how best to obtain sexual pleasure from them.

So it's needless to say that I was rather frightened by this prospect. "The ship is equipped with all you will need," The Didact said. "However, the imprints of your family will not guide you. You will be alone."

I sighed. "When have I not been alone?"

"I have found that there is no virtue in self-pity."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

The Didact sighed. "Ready yourself. This will not be pleasant, but when you are finished you will be able to access the Domain."

"Really, pa? For real and for true?"

"Stop being sarcastic," he snapped at me. "It's starting to annoy me."

"Oh, _you're _annoyed? Well, let me tell you, buddy-"

The door shut and I was alone.

I can't tell you exactly when the first round of pain began, or how long it lasted. All I remember from that time is a hazy blur of pain and hallucinations of Mickey Mouse giving a lap dance to Donald Duck. My dreams blended into reality and my reality became nightmares. Soon I felt myself even thinking that I might enjoy reading Twilight.

Finally, the world snapped back into focus. The pain lingered, but I felt that I could now function properly once again. The Didact appeared and offered me what seemed to be food.

"What is that?" I asked. The "food" was a collection of grey globules that I couldn't identify, and I had trouble telling if it was a solid or a liquid.

"Food suitable for you after your mutations," he said. "Eat, for we have much to do."

The globules tasted like shit, of course, but I thought I could feel some of my strength returning. Warrior-Servants weren't tied to creature comforts, but goddamn if they weren't _efficient_.

The Didact returned later to check on my progress. "Be glad," he said. "You aren't turning into a Warrior-Servant."

"What AM I turning into?"

"I have no clue, to be honest. You're starting to look kind of like the Orcs from Lord of the Rings."

"Oh, awesome."

"But, you know, at least you're not… actually, you know what, you're pretty ugly."

I couldn't come up with a reply, and the Didact soon left me to my pain.

By the time he returned, I was growing uglier. My skin was darker and grayer than it had been when I was a Manipular, and my limbs were thicker.

"Make ready. We'll be boarding the _Deep Reverence _soon." The Didact left, and I hoisted myself, groaning, off of the table.

_This, _I thought, _really sucks._

**Gah, I feel like I've ended this too abruptly as well, but I feel like I should post something new before you guys forget this story ever existed. **

**It HAS been a while, hmm? Silentium came out (ORBINFDJCDJEBJNKNJNJ It's awesome), the school year is almost at an end, and I've reached a new record for my fanfiction procrastinations. I had some cake today to celebrate, but I ended up vomiting in a toilet once I realized that the cake was actually mud one of my angry readers sent me via mail. Thanks guys. You really know how to motivate me.**

**Cheers, and this time I KNOW it won't take as long as last time to post the new chapter. I hope. Maybe.**

**Bye.**


	8. Chapter 8

After some tedious querying, Guileless Diameter extended a bridge from our ship to the _Deep Reverance_.

"The Confirmer!" he exclaimed upon hearing of our intentions. "I heard he's so cool! Didact, didn't he give you a-"

"Shut up," he hissed. "The Manipular and the humans will find out in due time."

"Was he about to say 'blowjob?'" Chakas asked.

"No, he was not!" the Didact yelled.

Chakas leaned towards me. "He was about to say blowjob," he whispered. I did not doubt this.

The Didact turned upon his heel, still smarting about the blowjob comment. "We will embark on his ship soon. Then we will visit the San'Shyuum. Tell your humans they will stay here for the duration of our conversation with the Confirmer."

"Or, you tell us yourself?" Riser suggested.

The Didact didn't respond and merely strode down the hall.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the Cryptum," Chakas said. "Is he on meds or something?"

I shrugged, not willing to respond when the Didact might be able to hear us. "Maybe."

Chakas coughed. "Whatever. I think he's expecting you. Do you need a rape whistle?"

I couldn't help but snicker at this. "I think the Didact would make enough noise by himself for that."

Chakas and I snorted with laughter, and Riser even chuckled.

"Manipular!" a booming voice came from further inside the ship, making us stop laughing. I hastened away.

…

Guileless extended a bridge from our ship to the Confirmer's, and the Didact and I walked down it. The _Deep Reverance _was an impressive warship, even degraded as it was. Like the San'Shyuum planet, it was plastered with advertisements for various products and services that I doubted anyone really needed. There was some graffiti too, though I don't think I should describe it here.

The hallways were cold and drafty, which I had heard was really dangerous when you were out in space. The Confirmer had to know we were here, but he must have taken some sick delight in watching us get lost.

After about ten hours of wandering, the Confirmer finally took pity on us and imposed his image in our visors.

The Confirmer himself was absolutely hideous, a mass of scars and grimaces. I recoiled, but the Didact seemed unperturbed at the ravages of time evident on his fellow Promethean's face.

"Aya," the Confirmer rumbled. "A Promethean and his pet Manipular are on my ship. What should I do with them, Fluffly?" he asked, stroking the body of a long dead, hairless cat. He started to make out with it, running his tongue over its face in smooth strokes.

"Confirmer," the Didact said harshly. "We require passage onto Janjur Qom."

This stopped the old Promethean, and he let the old cat drop to the floor. "You know I can't let you do that, Dave," he said, then started cackling like a madman.

"It is a matter of utmost importance, Confirmer. Let us on the planet."

The Confirmer seemed to regain what little sanity was left to him, and he faced the Didact. "On whose authority?"

"Mine. I am the Didact."

The Confirmer stopped and faced the Promethean. "You? Surely not. The Didact was exiled on Erde-Tyrene a long time ago."

"I was, and I am here now. I must speak with the San'Shyuum. The prisoner of Charum Hakkor has escaped."

The ancient Promethean lost all of the color on his face. "The Timeless One? Impossible! The Master Builder's excrement couldn't eat through those walls!"

Everyone knew the Master Builder's waste materiel was the most powerful acidic in the known universe, which was likely due to the high amounts of Juridicial blood he drank. Hah, lawyer joke.

"I have seen it with my own eyes. Is Sustaining Wind still alive?"

I knew little of history, but I knew that Sustaining Wind was the "Last Prophet" amongst the San'Shyuum. He was over ten thousand years old, which seems remarkable until you remember that there are Forerunners who still remember when the rise of the Human Empire fifty-thousand years ago was still called "trouble ahead".

"Yes, I believe so." The Confirmer was obviously still troubled by the news of the Prisoner's escape. "I will prepare a shuttle."

The Didact turned upon his heel and beckoned me to follow him. Before I could, however, the Confirmer stopped me.

"You do not look like a Manipular, but you smell like one. Have you undergone a brevet mutation?"

I nodded.

"Hah! From the Didact? The blind leading the blind. You know, I gave him his first brevet mutation."

Oh. So it wasn't a blowjob.

…

We began to notice something was wrong as we descended to the surface of Janjur Qom.

Hundreds of ships, some Builder, some Warrior models, even Lifeworker, swarmed. The Didact eyed them with resigned indifference.

"They have come for me," he sighed. "I should have expected this. The Master Builder will stop at nothing to reclaim me… and punish me."

I faced my capture and-perhaps- death with the same sort of fatalism the Didact exhibited. I did not feel alarm. Maybe I was high or something. Who knows what crazy shit the Didact had slipped into that food he had given me earlier?

A holographic ancilla appeared on the bridge. It was wearing a large sombrero and sported a handlebar mustache. "Please relinquish your ship's command to me."

Guileless Diameter seemed almost to squirm inside of his terminal. "Well, I don't know about that…"

"Do it, ancilla," the Didact said wearily. "We have no choice. We must comply or we will be destroyed."

Guileless Diameter separated himself from the terminal awkwardly as the other ancilla took control. Our ship was caught, and we could do nothing about it.

"What will happen to us?" Chakas asked. "We had no part in this!"

"They will punish," Riser said wearily. "A good telling-off, at least."

I thought about "Call Me Faber" and shuddered in animal terror.

Abruptly we were paralyzed. Containment fields wrapped around us all and held us immobile. Our ship began to fall apart (or at least, even more so than it was before) and we were extracted unceremoniously from the hull and pulled towards the surface. The atmosphere was a mass of roiling clouds and fire as Forerunner Warrior ships hovered inside of it. Ancient grievances long buried were being uprooted.

At last we passed the atmosphere and saw the full extent of the damage done. The ground was scoured and the land barren, but the advertisements that I'd seen earlier were undamaged. Forerunner laws on that subject were rather severe, so even in wartime special care was taken to ensure that all advertisements for Forerunner based products or services were spared from destruction.

Eventually the constraint fields were increased, and my vision tunneled. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was a rock. Not really significant, but hey, you can't choose what you last see, right?

**Hey, sorry this one was shorter than usual, but I wanted to stop the chapter here as this is a significant transitioning point. Sorry about that, but I felt it was for the best. **

**Remember, every time you don't review, the Didact Composes a cute puppy!**


	9. Chapter 9

"What in the name of Cthulu almighty have they done to you, Manipular?"

The voice was low and cultured, but with a noticeable lisp. I tried moving my limbs, but they were held firmly in place by something. I recognized the voice, however. It was Faber, the Master Builder, our rate's leader.

"Builderth, this beautiful young spethimen of Forerunner youth hath been led athtray by the Didact. We mutht correct him."

I squirmed. "I don't think I need correcting, Mr. Faber, I-"

"Nonthenthe! Warrior-Thervants always corrupt our youth. Have no fear, Manipular, we will fix this."

I opened my eyes, which I noticed had been closed for some reason. I was upside down, bound in a suppression field. The Didact was across from me and was also upside down, while the Humans, for some reason, were right-side-up. Or maybe it was the other way around, hell if I know.

"You thmell like a Builder, but you look like a Warrior. What are you?" Faber asked bluntly.

"Brevet mutation. Necessary under the circumstances."

"Oh, that explainth the uglineth. I thure hope you don't have a girlfriend. Hah, what am I saying, of courth you don't. You have that vibe around you."

I sighed and closed my eyes again. The Master Builder had some sort of fixation on being as offensive as possible to everyone he met. He was once placed into the _Ghibalb Book of World Records _under _The Most Offensive Person Alive_. He was awarded this honor nearly three thousand years ago when he burst into a meeting of rate leaders and their aides drunk out of his mind and systemically insulted all of them. Speculation ran rampant that he obtained some sort of sexual pleasure from it.

Out of nowhere Faber pulled out a massive can of Axe deodorant the size of his arm and sprayed the entire thing over his elaborate armor and face. The entire ship was perforated with the unholy scent of excess deodorant. Several Builder security personnel died on the spot.

Turning within a visible cloud of deodorant, he started walking towards the Didact deliberately.

"Well, well, well," he began, loosing gushes of spittle from his maw every time he said "well." "You thought you could uthurp me, did you? Well, mithter, I have newth for you! I am the Mathter Builder, and I am all powerful! No one can ethcape me! NO ONE! _I AM A GOD!_"

After this outburst, Faber pulled out an inhaler and took a deep breath from it. He put it away and faced me again.

"Well, Bornthtellar Maketh Dawn Eternal, we have contacted your family."

My stomach lurched. No one ever wants to hear those words when they were in trouble.

"They have exprethed their thupport for you, but also thurprise and dithappointment in your actionth." Faber paused for a moment and reached down the neck portion of his armor, pulling out a raccoon by its tail. He let it scurry away and began to read from the notebook again. "Your father has plathed you in my jurithdiction for now."

I started to sweat. Who knows what other unfortunate children had been placed in his "jurisdiction?"

He turned to the Didact again. "You will be punithed for your infractthun," he said. "You will altho be forthed to forfeit all of your dealings with the Counthil."

He leaned closer to the fallen Promethean. "Why did you come here?" he hissed.

The Didact stared back at him, resolute.

The Master Builder stared at him for a second longer before turning around. "BRING IN THE THAN 'THYUUM!" he screeched.

Unfortunately all of the Builders who were with him had died horribly after inhaling the insane amount of Axe that Faber had sprayed over himself, so none were alive to carry out the order. One seemed to have a xenomorph sprouting out of his chest. It wrenched itself free and scurried into the main Builder ship. I wondered how that would turn out.

"Oh my! I don't believe it!"came a familiar voice suddenly. 5467 Guileless Diameter was being held by a pair of Builders, but turned his metal surface to a temperature that rivaled that of the surface of a blue giant for an instant. The two Builders screamed and let go, spasming on the floor, as Guileless floated into the room cheerily.

"The Master Builder! It's been so long, sir!" the Monitor gushed. "How has your life been?"

The Builder ignored him and started to stride into the other ship. I could hear him muttering soft prayers under his breath for the green-eyed Monitor to go away.

"You wouldn't believe what all I've been through!" I could hear the Monitor's fading voice as he followed the Master Builder. The Didact, Chakas, Riser and I were all left behind.

"Now, I don't know about you guys, but leaving all of your prisoners in a room alone seems like a fatal lack of judgement," I said.

"Isn't that what they do in prisons?" Chakas asked.

I considered his point. "True, but there's still guards outside the door."

There was a long silence. "This sucks," Chakas concluded.

"I know," I said.

"No, I mean, it really sucks. Like, really, really sucks. I could be on Erde-Tyrene right now, getting laid by my hot girlfriend-"

"No girlfriend," Riser clarified. "He has sad life."

"Not true!" Chakas yelled. "It was a good life."

"Didn't you steal food from feeble old men and little girls or something?" I asked.

"Little girls too difficult for him," Riser said. "Was teaching him that part before Forerunner showed up. He got beat up too much when he tried." I snorted with laughter and even the Didact smiled a bit.

Chakas scowled in the corner. "If I wasn't held captive right now I would beat you all up."

This made the Didact snort harder, and this time we all laughed. Except for Chakas because he's a sore loser.

The Master Builder finally returned, tugging along a string of large bubbles with San 'Shyuum in them. Guileless Diameter hovered by him, talking about something enthusiastically. "I'm back," Faber huffed, interrupting the Monitor. "I've brought the Than 'Thyuum. Now your lieth will be expothed, Didact." He turned to the San 'Shyuum. "THPEAK!" he yelled. "REVEAL HIS LIETH!"

Most of the San 'Shyuum elders had fallen asleep. The Master Builder violently kicked one of the bubbles. Its occupant awoke, startled, but the rest of the chain was unaffected by Faber's weak kick and continued to sleep.

"Reveal your knowledge, dirt beast," Faber sneered, "Or you and your family will die."

The elder's rheumy eyes stared back, uncomprehending.

"THPEAK!" he yelled again when the alien didn't respond. "Tell us what you have to thay!"

"Faber," the Didact interrupted.

"Thut up! Thpeak, you utheless thack of Unggoy dung! THPEAK OR I BEGIN THE TORTURE!"

"Faber!" the Didact yelled.

"YOU ATHKED FOR IT! MEN, BRING OUT THE THTICK!"

Everyone was dead, of course, but that didn't stop Faber from raving about how the "thtick would teach him" and about the deadly powers of stick-dom or something equally retarded.

"FABER!" the Didact yelled. The Master Builder finally turned about, eyes bloodshot.

"He's dead," the Didact said. It was true, now that I looked. The elder's eyes were glazed and drool was pooling out of his mouth.

"Jutht great," the Master Builder. "Jutht fucking great."

He moved towards a second bubble and kicked again, waking a sturdier looking San 'Shyuum. "If he cannot thpeak, you will," Faber snarled.

The San 'Shyuum was silent, and I wondered if he was dead, too. But then he began to speak.

"I am yours to command, Forerunner," he said. The San 'Shyuum's voice was soft and almost serpentine. It was easy to imagine, in his younger days, how the San 'Shyuum were able to charm any species.

"There was a San 'Shyuum I met long ago. Sustaining Wind," the Didact said, preempting Faber. "Does he still live?"

"You speak of our Last Prophet," the creature said sadly. "He was killed in the first assault."

The Didact hung his head, as much as he could in his shackles. "Then his knowledge was lost with him."

"What knowledge?" Faber asked manically. "What did he hide!?"

"Ten thousand years ago, Sustaining Wind told me that, when the enemies of all return, only then would he reveal his secret."

"What secret?" Faber said dumbly.

"The cure for the Flood, dumbass," Chakas said.

The room went silent.

"You know of it, then?" Faber said slowly. "You know of the cure, and the war?"

Chakas nodded. "It wasn't the giant furry fluffy bears," he told me accusingly. "Forerunners fought humans long ago."

I shrugged, slightly ashamedly.

"So that's what that was about," the Didact murmured.

Faber's mouth began to stretch into a remarkably pedophile-like smile before turning to Chakas. "Actually, I don't think I'm going to kill you," he said. "I have something… else in mind."

He turned to the Didact. "As for you, your rank will be immediately decommissioned and your wife's projects will be terminated. The Manipular-"

"First-form," I corrected.

"-the Manipular will be returned to his family." Faber then turned to me. "They will be fined, of course. And you will all have to sing a certain song."

I'm sure my skin lost all of its color in that instant.

Faber then kicked up the compression field's intensity, and I began to black out… again. Before I lost consciousness, mine and the Didact's eyes locked for just a brief moment.

That was the last I felt for a while.

**Hey, it's been a while again. I've been working on a few other projects, mostly one-shots. Take a look at my profile if you want to check them out. But I found the time for this story :D. **

**Anyway, until next time. I'd promise that it wouldn't be a long time again, but I think I said that last time…**

**Review or the Master Builder will give you a good telling-off. **

**P.S. If any of you have any trouble with the Master Builder's lisp, just say it out loud or in your head, it should make sense. If you still can't understand it, PM me and I might be able to send over a copy of this chapter without the lisp.**


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